


83%

by mollythegay



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Rolivia, Working title, author sucks at tags, barba's here, earlier than in the show, if something doesn't make sense with the show just go with it, if there's no interest here i'll just keep writing on word, messing with the timeline, things are moved around
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-06-27 04:53:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19783657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mollythegay/pseuds/mollythegay
Summary: After Amanda Rollins is set up to kill her sister's fiancee, she ends up getting drunk and seeks comfort from Olivia Benson, who is unknowingly falling for her.Not really following canon. Don't know exactly what in-canon is going to end up here.Please bare with me.





	1. Chapter 1

“Bail is set at $200,000.”  
The judge’s gavel swung heavily a banged against its matching small, brown wooden pallet, sounding loudly throughout the courtroom. Amanda Rollins nearly fell back into her seat. _$200,000? How the hell am I supposed to get that?_ She thought to herself, the nightmare of her reality finally starting to sink in.  
All she wanted to do was help her sister. She had shot the rat-bastard, Jeff Parker, without thinking twice. He was _raping_ Kim, for crying out loud. He had given her a black eye not days before, and she had worked with Kim to get a restraining order against him for the both of them. If anyone tried to hurt Kim, she would kill them without a second thought. But that’s not something she can tell IAB. They were already trying to take her down with this, trying to wreck her career, and, subsequently her entire life with this case. Now he’s dead. And now, she might as well be, too.  
Turning toward her squad, who were quickly approaching her, Amanda swallowed a lump out of her dry throat, but Captain Cragen let her know that they had her back, and that she didn’t have to go back to prison as long as they had a say in it. It took everything within her not to scream back that, no, he doesn’t have a say in it, she was on the hook for murder at this point. There was a forged life insurance policy with her name on it for the man she killed, for chrissake. But, after being returned her cell phone, wallet, keys, and her tube of ChapStick that she always carried around from the baliff, she was allowed to walk out of the courthouse, with the closest thing she had left to family at her side. Olivia Benson wrapped her arm around Amanda’s shoulders and kept her close as they descended the stairs.  
“Come on, Amanda, let’s go back to my place,” said Fin gently. All she could do was nod and thank him. Olivia pulled her close enough to whisper in her ear. “Please, let me know if there’s anything I can do. Anything, anytime.”  
Amanda gave her a small smile before allowing herself to be guided to Fin’s car, and climbed into the passenger seat.  
The ride back to Fin’s apartment was filled with him trying to cheer her up, telling her a story about how a uni spilled four cups of piping hot coffee all over the floor of the squad room that morning. She gave a few small laughs, but didn’t say anything but a goodbye when Fin left for work again an hour after they got home.  
She sat in his apartment, watching Dance Moms on Netflix until she couldn’t listen to Melissa and Kelly screaming in each other’s faces anymore because Maddie got a solo again, and Paige was kicked off of the group routine anymore. She switched off the television, grabbed her jacket, and called an Uber to her favourite bar.  
The bartender, Matty, smiled when she walked in the door. “Ah, Detective Rollins!” he joyfully exclaimed, “The usual tonight?”  
Amanda grunted in response, throwing her keys down on the counter as he slid her a shot of tequila and a Blue Moon off of tap. She immediately downed the shot and drank the glass in three gulps, before declaring “Another round.”  
Matty gave her a hesitant look before preparing the drinks again. “Rough day?”  
“You don’t know the half of it.”  
“Tell me.”  
She sighed, taking the second shot, allowing the warmth of the liquor to come over her. “I can’t. It’s not public information yet. But trust me, Matty, I would love to lay out my heart to you right now. Lord knows I could use it. Right now, though, I could use a more light-hearted conversation. Whatcha got for me?”  
“Well,” he thought carefully, “I could tell you about little Lilly. She said her first word the other day!”  
Lilly was Matty’s daughter with his husband, Greg, who they adopted last year. Lilly was found as an infant in a child sex-trafficking ring, and Amanda was the one who recommended them to Child Services for fostering. He kept her up-to-date with pictures, videos, and milestones constantly. Matty and Lilly were really the main reason that Amanda continued to come to this bar. It definitely wasn’t for the shitty rap music, overpriced drinks, and dull atmosphere. Amanda would go as far to call Matty her closest friend outside of the squad in New York.  
“No way!” she said, the first time she felt actual joy that day. “What was it?”  
He chuckled to himself. “’Potato.’”  
“Naturally!”  
They continued to talk for a few hours, Amanda getting more and more drunk as Matty absent-mindedly served drinks to his only patron that night, chatting up a storm in the way that he always did with her. It wasn’t until around 10 PM when he realized she was well beyond drunk.  
“Oh shit,” he said to himself, before speaking up. “You’re trashed, aren’t you?”  
“What? No,” her vowels stretched out much further than she needed them to. Matty noticed her phone was buzzing repeatedly, before she finally switched it off.  
“I’ll call you an Uber.”  
When the Uber arrived, she had her head on the bar counter, enjoying the coldness of the countertop. He helped her to the car and handed her the keys he had confiscated. He had her address memorized, and gave it to the driver, but she stopped him. “My apartment is a crime scene,” she slurred nearly incoherently, “I’m staying with a friend.”  
She said the address without thinking, and before she knew it, she was in front of Olivia Benson’s apartment.  
Her eyes strained as she tried to read the names on the doorbell list, vaguely making out Olivia’s name, and slammed her finger into the button. She held it down for what felt like hours, but in reality was only about fifteen seconds, and startled backwards when a voice came out. “Who is it?”  
Olivia’s voice was loud and clear, even through the static of the speaker. “Detective Amanda Rollinssssss, Special Victims Unit,” Amanda giggled to herself, realizing how ridiculous it sounded when she couldn’t control her S sounds through her inebriation. She was met with a brief moment of silence on the other end before the gate unlatched.  
“Oh, that’s so many stairs,” Amanda groaned, the daunting staircase looking rather tall tonight. She looked up when she saw a familiar figure appear at the top and came running down.  
“Amanda!” Olivia yelled, a sound of relief coming through her lips. “Oh my god, what happened to you?”  
“That’s _Detective_ to you, missy.”  
Olivia stepped back as the smell of tequila startled her nose, reeking off of the blonde. “Okay, Rollins, let’s get you upstairs.”  
With an arm around Olivia’s shoulder, the two trudged up the stairs together, Olivia practically having to carry Amanda up and through the threshold of her apartment. Amanda collapsed face-first into a pillow on the couch and let out a loud groan.  
Olivia surveyed the situation in front of her. Amanda Rollins was absolutely wasted on her couch after being missing for an hour, having been sprung from jail for killing her sister’s baby daddy. Out of all the situations she’s faced, Olivia Benson was not prepared for this one. She put her hands on her hips. “Amanda,” she said firmly, “Do you understand how worried everyone is about you? Where the hell where you? Why didn’t you answer any of our calls?”  
There was no answer. Amanda had turned over and was staring at the back of the couch. Olivia knew that she was too intoxicated to be effectively lectured, so she decided to start filing away what she would say for the morning. For now, she had calls to make.  
She walked into the kitchen and grabbed her phone from the counter, and dialed Cragen’s number. He sounded upset when he answered, but after she assured him that yes, Amanda was here and no, she didn’t seem like she had alcohol poisoning, and no, she wasn’t seeing her sister, she must’ve been at a bar or something. He was as relieved as she had felt, and Olivia asked him to call the rest of the squad so that she could tend to Amanda.  
Amanda was now sitting up on the couch, flipping through a magazine that was sitting on the end table. She noticed Olivia walk toward her and looked up at her. “You’re so pretty,’ she laughed to herself.  
The brunette rolled her eyes, sitting down in a chair, staring at Amanda. “Thank you,” she said, “where were you tonight?”  
“The bar! Oh, I love the bar. Not the bar exam – that’s a different thing,” she explained.  
Olivia couldn’t help from lightly chuckling. “I got that much. How much have you had to drink?”  
Amanda’s face contorted in thought, and she started counting on her fingers, reaching all ten fingers before throwing her hands up and shrugging at the other detective, who put her head in her hands. “Enough.”  
“I’ll say.”  
“Definitely enough.”  
Olivia sighed. “Listen, I’ve got to go to the bathroom for a minute, I’ll be right back. Don’t hurt yourself, okay?”  
“You got it, dude!” Drunk Amanda apparently channeled Michelle Tanner, which didn’t really surprise Olivia, knowing that the blonde loved television.  
Olivia got up and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. She leaned again the countertop and looked at herself in the mirror, trying to figure out what to do with Amanda. Instead, she simply splashed a little cold water on her face, patted it dry with a towel, and left the bathroom.  
When she got back to the living room, Olivia could hear small sobs from the couch, and froze. For a moment, she debated on whether or not she should comfort Amanda, and what would be appropriate for a co-worker to do. But she decided that tonight, Amanda didn’t need a co-worker. She needed a friend.  
Olivia got a bottle of water from the kitchen and set it down on the coffee table, before sitting next to Amanda’s face on the arm rest of the couch. She leaned down and began rubbing Amanda’s shoulder. “Amanda?”  
The blonde readjusted on the pillow to look up at Olivia, her face stained with tears. “Oh, Amanda,” Olivia’s heart dropped, and moved down to the seat, wrapping her arms around her friend. Amanda buried her face in Olivia’s shoulder, quickly drenching her t-shirt. Olivia made soft, cooing sounds to try and soothe the detective as she ran her fingernails up and down her back. “Amanda, please talk to me.”  
Words attempted to fall out of the blonde’s mouth, but the only thing that came out was a small amount of vomit that fell onto her chin. Olivia immediately reached around the couch for a trashcan, and held it out for her.  
Amanda continued to vomit for around 20 minutes, before she finally sat back, exhausted. She gave a light cough and Olivia reached up with a tissue, gently wiping away the vomit off of Amanda’s chin. Amanda usually didn’t like being taken care of, but she was intoxicated enough that she enjoyed the brunette mothering her. “Amanda,” Olivia pushed a small strand of hair out of her blue eyes and stared into them. “Please, talk to me.”  
She sat back and took a deep breath, sipping the water to try to get the taste of puke out of her mouth. “My sister set me up for murder,” she still was slurring a little bit, but the vomit got some of the alcohol out of her system. “and I’m going to lose everything because of it. My job, my family, my freedom, my dog. Everything.”  
She was crying again, and Olivia pulled her tighter against her. “You are not going to lose your job. We are going to fight this, Amanda, we are going to fight this until the end of our days. You are not going to jail.”  
“You mean _back_ to jail.”  
Olivia gave her a sad smile. “Back to jail, yes. You will be cleared of this.”  
A sob ripped from Amanda’s mouth, into Olivia’s shoulder. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. My mom is going to want nothing to do with me – she’s always liked Kim better. Kim knew it, I knew it, Mom knew it. That’s why Kim thinks she can get away with anything. That, and the fact that I pretty much raised her.”  
An eyebrow quirked on the brunette’s face, realizing that she actually didn’t know much about Amanda’s home life. But Amanda was allowed to have secrets, especially since she didn’t let anyone know a whole lot about her own. Not that there was much to tell – an alcoholic mom, a rapist dad who she’s never known, a shitty half-brother. She was sure the other detective wouldn’t want to hear about it.  
“Listen to me, Amanda,” she took Amanda’s face in her hands and forced her to look her in the eye, “you will not go back to jail. I swear.”  
“You and I both know you can’t promise me that.”  
Olivia was at a bit of a loss for words. “You’re right. I can’t promise that, but I’m very confident. Like, 83%.”  
Amanda chuckled lightly, and Olivia noted how nice the sound actually was. She wouldn’t mind hearing it more. “83%. Yeah, that’s reassuring. You’re great at pep talks, Liv.”  
“Hey, that’s, like, 5/6. Those are odds you should bet on.”  
Amanda snorted. “I have a gambling addiction, I won’t be betting on anything.”  
Olivia froze, knowing that Amanda likely would not have told this to her if she was sober, but there were lots of accidental confessions coming from the younger woman tonight. She silently decided that she wouldn’t bring up anything to Amanda if she didn’t bring it up first. She ran her hand up and down Amanda’s back.  
“Sorry if that was blunt.”  
“No, no, it’s okay, I appreciate you confiding in me, trusting me with that information.”  
“I’m in Gambler’s Anonymous. I haven’t gambled in months. The Captain got me in GA when I got to New York.”  
Olivia smiled. “Yeah, he’s amazing.”  
Amanda sniffled and wiped a tear from her cheek. “I can’t believe that Kim … after everything I’ve done for her. After I let my boss … She knows that he did that to me so that she could get off! She knows that!”  
Again, Olivia was stunned. She didn’t need to ask anymore questions – she could piece together what she was talking about, and was absolutely heartbroken knowing that Amanda had gone through that.  
The sat in silence for a little while longer, the only sound being Amanda’s sniffling. “I’m sorry I just … showed up here. It wasn’t my intention. Matty – the bartender – gave the Uber my address, but I can’t go back there, obviously, and the first address that rolled off my tongue was …” she threw her arms up in defeat. Olivia reached out and pushed a strand of blonde hair out of Amanda’s face and tucked it behind her ear.  
“It’s fine. I’m glad you came here. But it’s past midnight, now, so we should get to sleep. You’re more than welcome to stay the night here. In fact, I insist that you do.”  
“No, no, I don’t want to intrude more than I already have –“  
“It’s too late for that,” Olivia smiled warmly. “Come on. I’ll show you the bedroom. I’ll take the couch.”  
“What?” Amanda was surprised at the detective’s warmness and hospitality. She didn’t even think Olivia _liked_ her. “Absolutely not. It’s your apartment, you take the bed, I’ll sleep on the couch.”  
“I insist.” Olivia helped Amanda stand up, who promptly begin wobbling back and forth. Maybe she was still pretty drunk. Olivia got a t-shirt out of her dresser drawer and left it out for Amanda, and brought the bottle of water into the bedroom and set it on the nightstand. “You know where the bathroom is, and if you’re gonna vomit, use this trashcan until you can make it to the toilet, please. There’s a bottle of aspirin in the top drawer of the nightstand on the right side of the bed, help yourself to that. Feel free to wake me up if you need me. Goodnight, Amanda.”  
And with that, Amanda was left alone in Olivia Benson’s bedroom, in one of her t-shirts that says “Virginia is for Lovers,” completely wasted. And for the first time since Kim showed up to New York, she felt safe again.


	2. Chapter 2

The natural sunlight shone through the windows of the pale grey curtains, smacking Amanda in the eyes, instantly triggering a pounding in her head. She struggled to open her eyes, cracking them a little and groaning at the fogginess she felt. A wave of nausea came over her quickly, but realized that maybe she wasn’t going to vomit. She sipped on the glass of water next to her before prying her eyes all the way open and looking around.

_Wait,_ she thought, _this isn’t my apartment. Where the hell am I?_

She glanced around the room, trying to find some sort of indicator as to where she ended up, and whose bed she was in. She noticed the Virginia t-shirt, and got out of the bed and headed into the hallway, before she realized where she was.

“I’m in _Liv’s_ apartment?” she whispered to herself, confused. “How the hell did I end up here?” She continued down the hallway, using the wall to steady herself when she stumbled, ending up in the living room. The clock on the cable box read 6:37 AM, and she looked down at the couch to see Olivia, a laptop on her lap, look up at her. “Well, good morning. How are you feeling?”

“I feel okay,” said Amanda cautiously, realizing that she didn’t remember anything from the night before, after Matty telling her he’d call an Uber for her. “How … How did I get here?”

“You don’t remember anything?” said Olivia, an eyebrow quirking, “Not terribly surprising. Well, you showed up here, pretty drunk, after taking an Uber here from a bar. You were – you were pretty upset.”

“Oh, _god,_ ” Amanda groaned, sitting in the chair and putting her head in her hands. “I don’t remember a damn _thing._ I didn’t say anything, did I?”

Olivia closed the laptop and set it on the coffee table, leaning over and clasping her hands together. “You said a few things, that we can talk about, if you want to. Things I think you need to talk over with someone.”

“I’m so sorry I came here,” Amanda jumped out of the chair, which admitedly hurt a little all over, and ran into the bedroom to gather her things. She grabbed her shirt off of the floor and quickly changed, before swiping her purse off of the nightstand.

“Amanda, please,” Olivia said gently but firmly, “I want you to talk to me about this. You shouldn’t have to hold all of this in.”

“I’m fine, Liv, I don’t need you to save me like you try to save everyone,” she spat, rushing for the front door. But Olivia beat her there.

“Amanda,” Olivia was still calm, but was blocking the door. “I know you don’t mean that, and I’m not going to force you to talk, but I am going to _force_ you to know that I am a friend, and I am here for you if you need someone to talk to. When you’re ready. Okay?”

Amanda was crying. “Please, let me through, Liv. Just let me leave.”

They stood for a moment, staring at each other, before Liv broke their gaze and stepped away from the door, allowing Amanda to dart out head hung low. The door slammed behind her, and Olivia was left standing alone in her apartment, wondering for the millionth time in the last 12 hours how she had gotten in this situation. And what the hell she was going to do about it going forward.

When Olivia arrived in the squad room later in the morning, she was swarmed by Fin and Amaro, who were apparently _dying_ to know where Rollins was, what happened, and if she was alright.

“She was fine last night,” Olivia explained, “she … she showed up at my door, wasted, so I thought it was best if she stayed at my apartment last night. This morning, she woke up, and was scared because she didn’t remember getting to my apartment, and ran out. I haven’t heard from her since.”

“What the hell was she thinking?” Amaro threw his arms into the air in exasperation. “We were worried sick about her!”

“Yeah, she got that, Nick,” said Fin, “but she’s fine now. She just sent me a text saying that she was back at my apartment, and she was sorry for scaring us.”

“Liv,” Cragen’s voice came from outside of his office, before he disappeared, beckoning for Olivia to follow him in.

She entered his office and closed the door behind her before he sat down at his desk. “Is Rollins okay?”

“Honestly? She’s scared, Cap. She’s terrified she’s going to prison for murder. She was … very drunk when she showed up last night. She’s definitely hungover this morning. And last night she told me some things. Like how you put her in GA. When she woke up, she didn’t remember anything.”

Cragen gave a sad sigh. “Well, there is good news – if you can call it good. Amaro did something to save Amanda’s ass.”

Olivia straightened up at this news. “What – what did he do?”

“Last night, he went out and met with Rollins’ sister, and he filmed her, confessing that she set Amanda up, and forged the life insurance policy in Amanda’s name. It’s gonna clear her name.”

“That’s great! I have to go over – I have to go see her,” Olivia readjusted her bag on her shoulder and made for the door. “Olivia, wait.”

She whipped around to look at the Captain, who was staring at her oddly. “Is there … Is there something I should know?”

“What?” Olivia gasped. “What? What are you talking about?”

The Captain bowed his head slightly, before making eye contact with Olivia again. “Nothing. Go tell Amanda.”

Olivia gave him one last look, before running out of the door, grabbing Fin, and rushing over to his apartment. They burst through the door, and Olivia saw Amanda passed out on Fin’s couch, her arm draped lazily over the side. The TV was on, and _What Not To Wear_ was playing loudly through the speakers. Olivia walked over to the couch and crouched down next to Amanda’s head, putting a hand on her shoulder and gently shaking. “Amanda, wake up,” she said softly. Piercing blue eyes slowing blinked open and met the dark brown ones that were staring at her. “Wha – Liv? What the hell, Liv? What are you doing here?”

“Amanda, you’re free,” Olivia whispered. “Your sister – Amaro got her saying everything on tape. You’re being acquitted. You’re free.”

“Nick did what?” Amanda was sitting up, and Olivia put her hands on her own cheeks. “Kim said – seriously?”

“Seriously,” said Fin with a smile. “You’re free to go. You can come back to work. Cap said to come get your shield startin’ whenever you’re ready to come back.”

Tears trailed down Amanda’s face. “This is over,” she repeated over and over, before she jumped up and hugged Olivia tightly, the two falling to the ground as Amanda giggled with delight. She could feel a sort of electricity between the two of them, something that she didn’t realize was mutual. A fleeting feeling when blue eyes met brown, told Amanda to kiss Olivia, but she thought better of it when Fin spoke. “Alright, let’s get you back to the station so that you can talk to Cragen yourself.”

They both snapped out of their trances and looked at him, Olivia instantly composing herself and standing up, helping Amanda stand up before they both looked at Fin. “Get dressed, Amanda,” said Olivia, “Let’s go.”

Fin and Olivia waited in the living room while Amanda got dressed and ready. Olivia was sitting on the couch, staring at her hands, lost in thought. Fin was staring at her, and almost said something about the two women’s moment, but thought better of it. “I can’t wait to have my partner back.”

Olivia snapped her head up to him and gave him a smile. “I’m sure. I’m glad she’s coming back, too.”

“Yeah, I bet,” Fin muttered under his breath, and Olivia narrowed her eyes at him, but Amanda emerged from the bathroom at that moment and announced that she was ready. The three drove back to the squad room, Fin behind the wheel, in mostly silence, other than the radio playing an Ed Sheeran song. When they arrived to the squad room, Cragen and Amaro greeted her with warm smiles, and Cragen explained that there would be a hearing to drop the charges against her and immediately after will be Kim’s arraignment hearing.

“To Amanda, who we all knew would be cleared of these outrageous charges, and who I am so glad is returning to us. Let’s kick some bad guy ass!” Fin cheered, glass raised in the air.

“To Amanda!” Amaro, Barba, Munch, and Cragen’s voice rang out, before they each sipped their beverages.

“To Amanda,” said Olivia softly, after the rest, locking eyes with the blonde. She gave her a small smile before following lead and sipping her glass of wine.

The entire squad had gathered in Olivia’s apartment to celebrate and rally around Amanda, though Amanda was hardly in the mood to celebrate. She gave a small smile, blue eyes locked with brown, and took a long swig from her whiskey, finishing it off. She went to the kitchen to pour another, and Olivia followed her in, pouring herself another glass of wine.

“Careful, now, don’t want a repeat of last night,” she teased, causing Amanda to immediately down her fresh glass and pour another, before she leaned against the counter and held the glass to her chest, swirling it around. “How are you doing? I know this can’t be easy for you.”

“Yeah, that’s one way of puttin’ it,” Amanda mumbled to herself, and looked up at Olivia. She gave her a small, reassuring smile. “I’m fine, Liv. And I’m sorry about last night. It wasn’t fair to you for me to show up like that, and I promise it won’t happen again.”

Olivia set down her wine glass and moved to stand next to Amanda, shoulder to shoulder, and leaned in to her, speaking in a low voice. “Amanda, if you’re struggling, I want to be there for you. I think that, as the only two women in the squad,” she nudged the blonde gently, causing both of them to smirk, “we need to stick together. And I’m fairly certain you’d do the same thing for me.”

Amanda let out a light laugh. “How certain?”

“About 83%,” said Olivia, hoping that it would cause Amanda to remember one of the only positive moments of the previous night. Amanda’s chuckle told Olivia that she was correct. “So you remember that.”

“It’s … coming back to me in bits and pieces. I do remember that. 5/6 odds. Gambling addiction.”

Olivia nodded. “I didn’t hear anything you didn’t want me to know,” she tried to make clear that Amanda’s secrets were safe with her, but Amanda shook her head. “I don’t mind you knowing. I’m actually glad I told you. You’re right, us ladies have to stick together.”

A hand quickly rubbed Amanda’s shoulder before the taller woman walked away, back into the living room in order to socialize with their friends. The touch lingered on her long after Olivia had dove into a conversation on their latest case with Barba and the Captain, and she thought about how she wished for her touch longer.

_What? No,_ she thought to herself. _Pull yourself together. She’s not your girlfriend._

Now that was a thought. Olivia as her girlfriend. If she was being honest with herself, she had never had a serious relationship, and there wasn’t anybody in her past that she could really see herself being in one with. But now, here’s Olivia Benson, and Amanda is picturing herself falling asleep next to her every night, kissing her …

She shook the thought out of her head, downed her drink, and filled her glass with water. Amanda knew she was already tipsy, and needed to slow down, lest there was a repeat of the night prior. She allowed herself a moment to pull herself together before going in the living room and taking her spot on the couch between Nick and Fin. “Alright, y’all, no shop talk, please? Give me one more night of not listenin’ to it before I officially get back to work on next week, would ya?”

Laughter rang out, and the topic switched to Nick’s daughter, Zara, and her latest conquest of catching the Tooth Fairy in action, but Amanda could not stop staring at Olivia – or, specifically, catching Olivia staring at her. The two kept exchanging glances that they thought had gone unnoticed by those around them, but Fin clocked every time their eyes met. He silently decided to keep an eye on them.

Everyone trickled out gradually throughout the evening – Cragen needed to get up early for a meeting, Nick had to go tuck Zara into bed, Fin had to feed his fish, Barba had paperwork to do, Munch wanted to catch his show. It was just Amanda left in Olivia’s apartment, a bottle of wine between them on the coffee table as they faced each other on the couch.

“No, no, listen to me, Olivia. Lexie and Mark were _soulmates!_ If Lexie hadn’t died in that plane crash, I would bet you a million dollars that they wouldn’t have killed off McSteamy. He only died because Lexie was his one true love and they needed to be together in the afterlife.”

“You’re honestly trying to tell me that you don’t think that he was in love with Addison before he fell for Lexie?” Olivia was starting to raise her voice.

“Oh, _hell_ no, you did _not_ just say that!” Amanda set her wine glass down on the coffee table and stood up, pacing back and forth across the room. “Addison was an amazing character who deserved better than to be Mark’s fuck buddy because he felt the need to ruin everything that Derek loved!”

“What the hell are you talking about? He did not try to ruin –“ Olivia stopped mid-sentence, her own realization of how ridiculous this argument was catching up with her through the fog of alcohol that was hanging over her thoughts. She started to laugh, and Amanda soon followed, collapsing on the couch again. They rode through the laughter together, coming to a comfortable silence with Amanda’s head resting on Olivia’s lap. Olivia absent-mindedly began playing with blonde hair, causing both women to close their eyes in relaxation.

“I’ve really enjoyed hanging out with you, Liv,” Amanda finally broke the silence minutes later, and the older woman looked down at her.

“I’ve enjoyed hanging around you, too, Amanda.”

“We should do this more often.”

Olivia hummed in agreement, followed by a huge yawn. “Well, it’s past midnight now. We should probably get to sleep here pretty soon.”

Amanda sat up on the couch and put her arm over the back cushions. “You know, we could sit out here and watch TV for a little while. Neither of us have to work tomorrow … how often do we really have nights where we can stay up late and not have to regret it in the morning?”

“You’ve got a point there,” Olivia responded after some contemplation, “What do you want to watch? I’ve got Netflix and Hulu.”

“Let me look through your list on Netflix.”

After scrolling through _The Office, Friends, American Horror Story,_ and a handful of comedy specials, Amanda clicked on _Grey’s Anatomy_ and clicked on the sixth season, choosing an episode at random.

“I thought we weren’t going to bicker about this show anymore,” Olivia giggled. It was an odd sound that Amanda hadn’t heard before; the wine had helped. It was pleasant. She found that it soothed her, even as she was as relaxed as she had been in a very long time.

Olivia brought out some throw blankets and spare pillows, and the two succesfully made a very warm fortress of bedding that they crawled into and snuggled up in. Amanda, without registering what she was doing, rested her head on Olivia’s chest and put her legs over the other woman’s. Olivia froze for a moment, thinking over if this was approriate for a co-worker, but wrapped her arm around Amanda’s shoulder and rested her cheek on top of the blonde head.

She had to admit, this was nice. She had never felt so comfortable around anyone so quickly, with or without the alcohol going through their systems. This felt natural: it was easy. Usually, this kind of connection felt tiring for the brunette, but not with Amanda. Being around Amanda made her feel energized, like she would never need coffee again – though she knew that was wishful thinking.

Amanda’s breathing evened out and light snores came from her, indiciating to Olivia that she had fallen asleep. She tilted her head back against the couch and closed her eyes, wondering how she could feel so comfortable, and reminded her to rebuild some walls in the morning. But that was the morning, and this was now. For now, she could be vulnerable around Amanda Rollins.

Olivia stared at Amanda’s empty desk, the woman having left hours ago. She was the only one left in the squad room, finishing up some paperwork. It had been two weeks since Amanda’s return to SVU, and it felt like nothing had happened. Literally: Amanda Rollins was ignoring Olivia except for work-related business, as if the friendship they had built over the few days was meaningless. It hurt, Olivia let herself admit. She finally thought that she had a female friend that she could rely on, and now Amanda wouldn’t give her the time of day.

Enough was enough. Olivia grabbed her bag and took the elevator down, hailed a cab, and told him to take her to the nearest Total Wine, where she picked up two $40 bottles and a set of wineglasses. If Amanda wouldn’t talk to her on her own, she was going to reach out and try her best.

The cab took her to Amanda’s apartment, and she rang the doorbell in the lobby. The door buzzed and unlocked.

Olivia climbed the three flights of stairs to Amanda’s apartment and knocked on the door, winded from the broken elevator forcing her in extra cardio. The door swung open, revealing Amanda in a blue Myrtle Beach t-shirt and pink underwear. “Liv? What – what’re you doin’ here? It’s late –“

“Listen, Amanda,” said Olivia seriously, “I really thought that we had a good thing going in this friendship, and I don’t really understand why you’re icing me out, but I’m not really going to stand for it unless you give me a good reason. I just dropped $126 on this wine and glass set, because I’m pretty damn sure that you wouldn’t spend money on wine glasses, and I’m going out on a limb here to show up at your door. Now, I think we should put on a movie, pour a couple glasses, and talk about why you haven’t been talking to me after we had a good couple of days together when I’m pretty damn sure I did nothing wrong. I – I really haven’t ever had a female friend before, but I like what I’ve seen so far, and I’d rather not lose it. Or, you can slam this door in my face right now, and I’ll leave you alone. It’s your choice. The ball’s in your court.”


	3. Chapter 3

Amanda was absolutely stunned. She could not believe that Olivia was making such a grand gesture for her, asking her for friendship late at night. It did not even register with her that she was standing in her underwear, her mouth hanging open in her own doorway.

Olivia hoped that Amanda couldn’t hear how loudly her heart was pounding in her own chest.

After a few moments of silence, Amanda stepped out of the doorway and gestured for Olivia to come in. “Only because I could use some wine. But, for future reference, I’m more of a beer girl.”

“With the money I spent, you’re going to drink this wine, and you’re going to like it,” Olivia laughed, pulling her keychain corkscrew out of her pocket and twisted the top off of one of the bottles, pouring the red into the glasses and passing one to Amanda. It went down like velvet, both women humming in pleasure at the smoothness of the wine. Amanda set her glass down on the table when it was empty. “Gotta say, you got a lotta nerve just showing up here like that. What would you have done if I had slammed the door in your face?”

“Taken the wine back to my place and chugged it,” Olivia smirked. “My pride probably would’ve been decimated, but I would’ve been fine in a few days.”

“A few days? That’s all it would take you to get over being rejected by me? I don’t know whether to be flattered or offended,” Amanda put a hand in her chest in mock hurt.

“Take it easy, Rollins, we aren’t _that_ close … Yet.”

Both women laughed easily as they poured their second glasses of wine. Amanda started to feel warm, her head feeling a touch cloudy, when she suggested that they take a seat on her couch. They moved over and plopped down in front of the TV, Amanda’s bare feet immediately falling on top of the coffee table.

“I hope you don’t mind that I didn’t bother to put pants on. But to be fair, you showed up without warning,” Amanda said, gently swirling the glass in her hand. Olivia chuckled.

“It’s fine. I’m just grateful it’s not a thong.”

“Oh, no, I only wear thongs when someone gives me a reason to.”

It was nice to share a laugh between the two again. Amanda set her glass down on the table and leaned back, tucking her legs underneath her. “Listen, Liv … I’m sorry I haven’t been talking to you. If it makes you feel any better, I really haven’t been talking to anyone.”

Olivia leaned in a bit and put her hand on Amanda’s knee. “No, that doesn’t really make me feel better. Are you doing okay? You’ve been through a lot lately, and it’s understandable if you were feeling some depression or anxiety.”

She expected Amanda to immediately refute this, but the blonde seemed to be thinking hard about it. “I just … I don’t know, Liv. I’m just tired. I’m so tired all the time. It’s hard for me to get up and go to the bathroom. I’ve ruined my relationship with my family, and now I’m living alone in another state, my mom won’t speak to me, my sister is a fugitive, my dad was a piece of shit, and now it’s just me in this empty apartment,” she threw her arms up, gesturing to the room around her. There were tears in her eyes. “At least I have _Project Runway_ to keep me company. Maybe I should get a cat.”

Olivia rubbed Amanda’s knee. “I don’t think that a cat is going to help you too much. But I think that maybe therapy will help you. What you’re describing sounds like depression, Amanda. I want you to be happy, and I think that talking to someone would help you.”

“I don’t need to pay someone to listen to my problems,” Amanda stood and began pacing the room. “I’m okay, Liv. Yeah, I’m struggling, but I’ll get through it. I always do.”

Olivia pushed herself off of the couch and stood near the other detective. “So you have a history of this,” she pushed gently, hoping that she wouldn’t shut down.

“Yeah, I guess. You know, when I first moved here, I was struggling, I went through some stuff in Atlanta right before I got here.”

“I … Yeah, you mentioned something about that that night at my apartment.”

Amanda whipped around to face her. “What did I say?”

“Nothing specific. You just said that you let your boss do something to you so that Kim could get off,” she took a step toward the other woman. “Amanda. What did he do to you?”

Amanda put her hands on her head and faced her window. It was a long time before she spoke. “It was my fault. Kim was facing a bunch of charges, and he told me that I could ‘make it go away.’ I knew what that meant. He took me to a hotel room. He … he started to kiss me,” she took a shaky breath, staring out the window at the city streets below them, “he pinned my hands above my head and … did what he wanted.”

Olivia stood up and crossed over to her. “Amanda, I am so, so sorry that happened to you.”

“No, it’s fine,” Amanda brushed a stray tear from her cheek and turned to the other detective with a sad smile. “I went down a bad hole after that. Gambling – I was $20,000 in debt, but when I got up here, Cragen decided to help me instead of punish me. He put me in gambler’s anonymous, and I haven’t gambled since I got to New York. It’s a good thing he did, too. I came close to rock bottom.”

“I’m glad that Cragen could help you,” Olivia put a hand on the blonde’s shoulder, which she leaned into and put her own hand on top of. “You deserve to be happy, Amanda. What that man did to you was sexual assault.”

Amanda turned around, revealing to Olivia that she was heavily crying. Olivia pulled her tightly into her arms, never wanting to let her go. She can keep her safe here, in her arms, for all eternity. But that was not realistic. They were co-workers, and though this was the second time in a matter of weeks where she found herself comforting a crying Amanda, she knew that this wasn’t going to go much further, no matter how much she may want it to.

She stunned herself with her own thoughts. _I don’t have feelings for Amanda Rollins. I am straight._ _Amanda is a friend. It’s just been a while since I’ve had a close friend._

Amanda pulled away from their hug. “Thanks, Liv.”

“Anytime, Amanda. It’s what I’m here for.”

“Well, that’s enough about me,” Amanda wiped final tears from her cheeks and picked up her wine glass. “Anything you’re looking to get off of your chest while we’re getting wine drunk and crying?”

Olivia laughed. “Nothing immediately comes to mind, but I promise, if I need to talk, I’ll come and talk to you.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Amanda held her glass out to cheers Olivia’s, and they clinked together as the two locked eyes and sipped. “Want to play a board game?”

“What do you have?”

Amanda pulled a box out from under her couch and hesitantly raised it to Olivia’s view, knowing that she would likely deny her.

“Monopoly? Are you kidding me?”

“Oh, come _on,_ ” Amanda whined, “ _everyone_ says they hate Monopoly, but it’s a classic!”

"It takes _forever!_ ”

“You showed up at my door with two bottles of wine in the middle of the night demanding that I drink with you, and now you’re trying to establish a curfew? We’ve got all night.”

Olivia contemplated this. “Fine. But I am – “ she reached into the box and pulled out a small metal piece, “the thimble.”

Amanda claimed her own piece. “I am the dog. You’re on.”

“Boardwalk! With four houses, that will be …” Olivia checked the title deed, “$1700. But it seems that you’ve only got $600, and you’ve already mortgaged most of your properties, and all you’ve got left it St. James, which only mortgages for $90, so … eat shit, Detective Rollins!”

They had finished a bottle of wine and were well on their way to finishing the second, and it was nearing three o’clock in the morning. Olivia had proven to be excellent at the game, and was effectively whipping Amanda’s ass at it – something that no one back home was able to do. She frantically looked over her deeds and her money, trying to find some way to salvage her game, but she knew long ago that she wouldn’t win.

She threw down her title deeds onto the middle of the board. “Fine!” she yelled, sounding drunk and defeated, “I declare bankruptcy! You win!”

Olivia pumped her fists in the air triumphantly, waving to an imaginary crowd as she claimed victory. “Thank you, thank you. I just want to thank the entire SVU squad, and especially my opponent, Amanda Rollins, for whom I could not have made this victory if not for her excpetionally poor money-management skills.”

Amanda threw a small, red hotel at her before beginning to clean up the game pieces and return them to their box. Olivia sat back in her chair and emptied her wine glass yet again, before attempting to stand up, only to fall right back into her chair. Amanda put her hands on her hips. “Detective Olivia Benson, if I didn’t know any better, I would say you were _drunk_ right now!”

It was as though she was scolding a small child. “You’re one to talk! You’ve had more wine than me. Look at you, you can’t even sort the money into straight piles. This is clearly a job for someone with a hangover. Leave it, we’ll clean it in the morning.”

After a moment of contemplating, Amanda gave in, throwing down the stack of 100s that she was holding onto the table and grabbed a bottle of aspirin from the cabinet. “We’ll need this in the morning.”

“Indeed we will,” said Olivia with a smirk that silently drove Amanda crazy. She decided that was a thought process to be had by the sober. “Do you have a blanket or something for me to use tonight? Maybe a pillow?”

“Well, I figured that we could both just sleep in my bed,” Amanda suggested, “Y’know, I’ve got a king-sized memory foam. There’s room for both of us.”

“How can I say no to that?” Olivia’s gestures were incredibly broad in her state of intoxication, her hands flailing through the air at every word, almost sounding insincere. “I’m going to use the bathroom.”

She got up and walked to the bathroom, leaving the door open as she went. Amanda, somewhat more sober than Olivia, was stunned at how different the detective was when she was drunk. She walked over and opened the window, grabbing the pack of cigarettes and a lighter off of the nearby bookshelf and lit one.

Walking out of the bathroom, Olivia immediately noticed the blonde detective smoking and rushed over to intervene. “What are you doing? Are you _trying_ to die?”

“You’re dramatic when you’re drunk. I’m not going to die, I rarely smoke – only, really, when I’m drunk and/or stressed.”

“I’m not dramatic, I’ve seen people ruin their bodies with cigarettes, I’ve watched people detoriate with cigarettes and alcohol. I’ve heard the changes in their voices, I’ve heard the coughs. I don’t mess with it,” Olivia took the cigarette out of Amanda’s hands and put it out in the sink.

Amanda approached the brunette detective, who was leaning over the sink. “I’m sorry, Liv. It’s one of my only legal vices. If it bothers you that much, I’ll stop. I promise I’ll stop,” she put a hand on the brunette’s shoulder. “Liv, you’re shaking.”

“I’m okay, just give me a minute,” she said with her hand up, her voice quivering.

“Why don’t we go into the bedroom and get ready for bed?” Amanda suggested calmly, hoping that Olivia would open up to her. She got a nod in response, and Liv let Amanda guide her back into the bedroom and sat her on the bed. She pulled a t-shirt out of her drawer and gave it to Olivia, who silently changed into it there in front of her.

Amanda laid down on the bed, gesturing for Olivia to lie down next to her. They were laying with their heads on the pillows, facing each other. The only light in the room was the dim lamp on Amanda’s side of the bed. The way the light hit Liv’s face, combined with the alcohol, softened her features and allowed Amanda to truly look at her for what felt like the first time. She studied every freckle, the tiny, faint scar in her left eyebrow that she had never noticed before, and her deep, chocolate-brown eyes that reflected back her pain. Without thinking, she reached out and gently brushed a piece of brown hair out of her face, the tip of her fingers just barely grazing Olivia’s skin, and yet still sent shivers down her spine.

Olivia scooted a bit closer to Amanda, testing the waters a bit, but Amanda immediately threw her arms around Olivia and held her tight. There they sat, inexplicably finding comfort in each other yet again as Amanda ran her fingers through Olivia’s hair and planting a small kiss on the top of her head. The silence was heavy, but not uncomfortable. Both women were perfectly fine sharing this space together without any pressure. Neither wanted to move, in fear of interrupting what they were experiencing.

“Y’know, Liv,” Amanda finally said, after spending long minutes trying to figure out if Liv was still awake or not, “I want to be there for you, too. I want to listen to you, to hear you, in the same way you want to hear me – it doesn’t have to be now. Whenever you’re ready. I’ll be here for you.”

Olivia tilted her head back to look the blonde in the eye, blue locking with brown. She inhaled deeply, taking in Amanda’s scent: lavender, matching the body wash she saw in the shower; vanilla, like the perfume that was sitting on the nightstand behind her; and a touch of tobacco from the cigarette she had lit earlier. It was an oddly calming mixture of scent for Olivia, feeling like she could fall into it. “I know, Amanda. I trust you. I’m just … not ready. I need a little more time.”

"Take all the time you need,” Amanda reassured her, pulling her close again. “I’ll be here when you’re ready, Liv. I’ll be right here.”

Both women settled into their drunken cuddle, and Amanda reached over to switch the lamp off behind her. She heard Olivia’s breathing even out soon after, and that familiar feeling of safety that she associated with Olivia Benson remained firmly inside her as her eyes drifted shut.

“Put your hands on the scanner,” Amanda told the woman, eventually grabbing her hand and holding it down so she could get a read on her prints.

“Listen, everyone,” Cragen announced to the crowded squad room, “we’re about to do a perp walk for Miss Cheng over here. The press is going to be outside in 10 minutes. Be ready – Rollins is taking the lead, because she lead this investigation. Nice work, Rollins.”

She smiled to herself, and Olivia approached her. “Nice work, Rollins,” she echoed the Captain, nudging the blonde with her shoulder. “Ready for the press?”

Amanda snorted. “Sure, I guess. Just a part of being the best damn detective in New York City.”

“You can let yourself think that, Rollins, but in the end, no one beats Detective Olivia Benson,” she said, trying to fire up Amanda’s competitive side. It seemed to be working, because she stuck her chest out in front of her and walked with confidence as they exited the precinct.

Cameras flashed in their faces as they each escorted a pimp out, with Rollins escorting the madam. She opened the car door and helped Miss Cheng into the car, before walking around the back of the car to reach the driver’s side when a loud _bang_ rang out through the air.

Time seemed to slow down. A bullet threw Amanda back into the car, shattering the back window and smearing blood as she collapsed to the ground. She heard a scream that she thought might have been her own, but she realized that she could not speak.

The scream belonged to Olivia, who shrieked out a “No!” as she saw Amanda go down. Her instincts made her pull her gun as she looked around at the nearby rooftops to find the shooter, with no luck. She ducked down and ran toward the blonde detective, seeing her white coat already stained red all over the front.

“Amanda, no, no, no,” she took off her scarf and used it to apply pressure to the wound. Amanda was gurgling. “Stay with me, Amanda, stay with me.”

Fin rushed over to her said and called over radio for an officer down, and a route to be opened up to Bellevue. “Liv, we have to go, let me get her in the car.”

“No, I’ll do it,” she said, wrapping one arm under Amanda’s knees and the other under her armpits, and putting her in the backseat of Fin’s squad car, climbing in behind her. He switched his lights and sirens on.

Olivia held Amanda’s head in her lap, stroking her hair with one hand and holding her wound with the other. The look of fear swimming in her blue eyes reflected her own as she became drenched in blood. “Amanda, please stay with me. You need to stay awake. Please.”

But her eyes were drifting shut, unconsciousness drawing nearer. Olivia let out a strangled cry.

“No, Amanda! You can’t leave me!” she cried out, before lowering her voice to barely above a whisper, “I need you, Amanda. I love you.”

Amanda’s eyes drifted shut and did not reopen. Olivia looked up at the rearview mirror, her eyes meeting Fin’s, who was staring at her while trying to focus on the road.


	4. Chapter 4

Fin stared at Olivia in the rearview mirror for a few seconds before breathing deeply and focusing his eyes on the road, flying down the street and pulling up in front of the Bellevue emergency room bay. He jumped out of the car and opened Olivia’s door, who picked up Amanda and carried her out and ran through the doors of the ER.

“Somebody help!” she shouted at no one in particular, “An officer was shot!”

A team of doctors and nurses ran over, one nurse pulling up a gurney that Olivia laid her down on and they whisked her away into the nearest trauma bay. She tried to run in after her, but was stopped by a nurse. “Ma’am, you need to let the doctors work. We’ll come and get you when we know something.”

With that, she disappeared into the bay, leaving Olivia staring through the window, trying to get a glimpse of Amanda. Fin came up behind her a placed a gentle but firm hand on her shoulder, guiding her through to the waiting room. “Liv, you’ve done everything you can. Now we have to just wait. Will you come with me to get a cup of coffee?”

“No, I should be here in case the doctor has some news,” she began pacing the room. It was mostly empty, just one older couple sitting in the corner, holding hands. She was asleep, and he was reading a book.

Fin nodded knowingly. “I’ll bring you a cup. Two sugars, one creamer?”

She gave him a sad smile. “Thanks, Fin.”

“I got you, Liv,” he gave her shoulder a squeeze before disappearing down the corridor, leaving Olivia alone, stained in blood.

It was had been about an hour and a half since the nurse came out and told Olivia that they were taking Amanda into surgery, though it felt like eternity. The cup of coffee in her hand had long gone cold, still mostly full. Olivia didn’t need caffeine to stay awake – she wasn’t going to be able to sleep until Amanda was okay.

“Detective Benson?” the doctor was standing in front of her, snapping her out of her thoughts. She shot to her feet. “Amanda is out of surgery. You can see her now, but she’s a little loopy from the pain medicine. She’s been asking for you.”

Olivia breathed a sigh of relief, following the doctor into a room at the end of the hall. She walked in the door, and Amanda lazily turned her head to face her, a smile immediately spreading across her face upon locking eyes with Olivia. Well, it wasn’t so much _locking_ eyes, as she didn’t seem all there behind the eyes.

“Liv,” she said softly, stretching her arm out to grab Olivia’s hand, who gladly took it in her own. “I’m so happy to see you. Did the doctor tell you where I was?”

“She did,” said Liv, “I hope that’s alright.”

“Of course it’s alright. You’re my best friend in the whole wide world.”

Amanda’s voice was airy, which was to be expected, considering how high she was. Olivia couldn’t help but stare at the bandages on her shoulder, which the blonde took notice to, and gave Olivia’s hand a squeeze before reassuredly saying “It doesn’t hurt. I promise.”

“I’m sure it doesn’t,” Olivia laughed. “Not with all the drugs they have you on.”

“They got me on the good shit, Liv.” She paused, thinking deeply, when her face contorted seriously. “Did you catch the bastard who shot me?”

Olivia gestured for Amanda to scoot over in the bed, and sat down next to her. “We haven’t yet, but half of the NYPD is out there, looking for the guy. We’re going to find him.”

Smiling, Amanda stuck a finger in the air. “I’m not worried about it. You guys are smart, smart, _smart._ I trust y’all. You’ll get him. You guys are smart.”

At that moment, Fin walked in the door. “How you doin’, ‘Manda? Doc says it went through and through.”

She giggled. “Through and through! Through and through … Through and through …”

Olivia looked up at Fin. “Any leads?”

“None, but they’re working on it. There was just another shooting, same M.O. But Cap said that he wants you to stay with Amanda and take care of her. You’re off this case. Sorry, Liv.”

He had put up a hand to stop her before she could start arguing. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

Amanda was busy studying her cuticles with a blank expression, so Olivia gave her hand a small squeeze. “I’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” Amanda gave her a big smile as Olivia followed Fin out of the room and into the hallway. There were dozens of cops standing around, no doubt here for Amanda.

“She’s out of surgery and doing okay, the doc says she’ll make a full recovery,” Fin announced, a sigh of relief coming from the group. He gestured for her to follow him down the hallway to an empty waiting room. “Liv, I need to ask you something, as your friend.”

She sat down in the chair in front of him. “What is it, Fin?”

“Liv,” he took a deep breath, “is there something going on between you and Amanda? Something more than friends?”

“What?” she sputtered, shock written all over her face. “No, I – “

“Listen. It’s okay if you are, if you have feelings for her.”

“Why would you say that? Why would you bring that up? Even if I _did_ have feelings for her or we were involved somehow, which I _don’t_ and we’re _not_ –“

“You said ‘I love you,’ Liv.”

Busted. Olivia was stunned, opening and closing her mouth repeatedly, with no words coming out. She put her head in her hands. “Fin, I don’t know what to say. I’m not in love with her. I love her – like, like a friend, Fin, the same way I love you.”

“Olivia. _We_ love each other like friends. We don’t stare at each other’s desks long after the other leaves. We don’t sneak glances at each other all day and night, looking away when you’re caught. We don’t spend nights at each other’s apartments getting drunk every other week. Liv, no one’s judging you here. I certainly don’t care if you’re gay. I didn’t care when you were falling for Cabot. I just want you to know that I’m here for you, as a concerned friend.”

Fin put a supportive hand on Liv’s shoulder. “I’m here if you want to talk. You always know how to reach me.” With that, he walked away and out of the hospital, leaving Olivia alone, shocked, in the empty waiting room.

She took a moment before walking into the women’s restroom next to the waiting room, and checked to confirm that all of the stalls were empty before leaning in front of one of the sinks, splashing cold water in her face.

What Fin had said had thrown her off even more than she already had been. Seeing Amanda be shot, and now being forced to confront her feelings for Amanda? She wasn’t even sure she was gay, or that she actually _had_ any feelings for Amanda. So what if she did? And so what if she was gay? It’s not like she needed any familial approval … She didn’t have any _left_ to get approval from, other than her squad, who were all detectives in the sex crimes division – it’s part of their job to protect people in the LGBTQ community. Maybe she was bisexual?

And then, of course, there was the matter of Alex Cabot, before she disappeared. She had these feelings about Alex that she could never place, but now, they’re starting to make more sense. How the hell did Fin know about it? When did he figure it out? How did he figure it out before she did?

No, Amanda is straight. So even if she did have some feelings for her, then she couldn’t do anything about it, because the chances of Amanda feeling the same way were slim to none. That settles it: Olivia would suppress her emotions, like she was so used to doing, unless Amanda approached her first.

She gave her face another quick splash, blotted it dry with a paper towel, did a once-over in the mirror, and walked out of the bathroom. Making her way to Amanda’s room, she took a deep breath, before quietly entering. Blonde hair was fanned out on the pillow around her head, eyes closed and breathing steady. Olivia walked around the bed and pulled a chair close, and grabbed Amanda’s hand, holding it tightly. It reminded her that Amanda had a close call, but she was still here, and she is okay. She is going to live.

A loud beeping noise from one of Amanda’s monitors startled Olivia awake. _How long have I been asleep?_ The beeping picked up its pace and volume, and Amanda’s eyes flew open, a whimpering noise coming from her mouth.

“Amanda? Amanda, what’s going on? I’m going to get a doctor,” Olivia ran to the door and threw it open, shouting wildly down the hallway for a nurse, a doctor, anybody to come. Two nurses and a doctor pushed her out of the way, but she fought her way to the bedside, desparately grabbing Amanda’s outstretched hand. Pure terror and pain filled Amanda’s eyes as they locked with Olivia’s.

She was wheezing, her face contorting in pain with every troubled breath. A nurse approached Olivia.

“Ma’am, I need you to get out of the way so the doctor can work –“

“I’m not leaving her,” Olivia yelled in response.

The nurse sighed. “You don’t have to leave, just step back so we can give her the best medical care possible.”

They stared at each other for a moment, silently arguing over the scramble of the medical team around her. She gave Amanda’s hand another tight squeeze before releasing it and stepping back, leaning against the back wall. The nurse gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze before going to work.

“Temp 104.7, laboured breathing sounds from both lungs,” she called out to the team.

“Likely post-operative infection,” the doctor said, carefully unbandaging her wound and looking closely at it. “This is definitely infected. Start her on a course of IV antibiotics immediately. I’ll have to replace the stitches tomorrow and drain the wound, but I want her on antibiotics first unless things turn for the worst. Keep her hydrated and painless through an IV.”

The doctor backed off and turned to Olivia, whose face was stained with silent tears. He put a strong but gentle hand on her shoulder, reflective of the way that Fin had not minutes before. Somehow, neither provided her much comfort. “She’s going to be alright. She’ll pull through this. Let me know if there’s anything that you need.”

With that, he was gone, the nurses and equipment were cleared out, and Amanda was reaching her hand out for Olivia’s again, silent agony beginning to fade from her face as pain mediciation started to kick in. Sweat made her blonde hair stick to her forehead and made certain spots on her hosptial gown stained.

Somehow, even through all of this, Olivia still thought Amanda was beautiful.

She pulled the chair back up toward her butt, sitting down and holding Amanda’s left hand in both of hers. She held Amanda’s hand to her face and, without thinking, planted a kiss on her knuckles. Amanda didn’t seem to care: in fact, she was able to briefly smile at this, before she began drifting, her eyes slowly closing as she scooted closer to Olivia’s side of the bed.

“Amanda Rollins, you put that down!”

Amanda rolled her eyes, before turning around and setting the box down on the counter. “Liv, it’s really not that heavy. And I’m _fine._ ”

Olivia snatched the box off of the counter and weighed it with her hands. “This is at least 10 pounds, and your doctor said that you can’t lift more than 5 pounds for at least 10 days!”

It had been eight days since Amanda was shot, five since she had broken her fever and was released from the hospital. Olivia has been staked out on her couch ever since, insisting on taking care of her and doing anything Amanda might need for her. The Captain had condoned it, telling Amanda “Liv honestly needs the days off more than you do. Let her have this,” with a wink. So, she let her have it: if Olivia wanted to pamper Amanda and take care of her, well, who was Amanda to stop her?

But now, it was getting to be a little much. She couldn’t so much as go to the bathroom without Olivia shouting down the hallway “need any help?”

It was sweet. But it was getting on Amanda’s last nerve.

Today, Olivia was helping Amanda with a little redecorating. It was nearing November, and Amanda absolutely adored fall. Back home, her mom would always decorate with fall decorations, and it was something that Amanda wanted to continue. They were in her storage unit, and Liv had volunteered to help her carry things back up to her apartment. _Help_ her.

“How about this one? Is this one light enough for me? Because I’m so weak?” Amanda snapped at her, picking up a lighter box off of the counter and tossing it at Olivia, who was shocked. “Just because I was shot in the shoulder does not mean I’m a fucking invalid, Liv, I can do things for myself!”

Olivia’s jaw had dropped, but she quickly went on alert and closed it. She looked down at the floor in embarrassment. “I – I’m sorry, Amanda. I’m sorry if I was smothering you.”

“Yeah, well, I can barely fuckin’ breathe with you so far down my neck.”

There was a long, tense silence between the two where neither moved. Eventually, it was Olivia who broke, tears welling up behind her eyes. “That was – that was the last box. I’m gonna go ahead and go and give you some space. To breathe, and everything.”

She grabbed her purse without looking up and ran out of the door, snapping Amanda out of her anger. The blonde ran down the stairs after Olivia, but she was gone by the time she made it to the street.

“God _damn_ it, Amanda!” she screamed at herself, kicking the side of the building. There was a throbbing in her first two toes, but she decided she deserved it. She slid down the wall and landed on the ground, pulling her pack of cigarettes and lighter out of her jacket pocket. The cool menthol taste and pull of nicotine calmed her nerves slightly.

She grabbed her phone out of her pocket and opened her message thread with Olivia.

_I’m sorry. I’m just overwhelmed. Is it okay if I come over later tonight?_

Blonde hair met glass as she leaned back against the window, nearly finishing her cigarette when her phone buzzed and the screen lit up.

_It’s okay. You’re always welcome with me. We’ll talk tonight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all. i've got a lot going on right now - i'm moving next week, i turn 19 on tuesday, i have friends coming to town - so i'll try to update when/where i can, but i might not be able to post a bunch of chapters over the next two weeks or so. thanks for reading!!


	5. Chapter 5

The TV turned off with a click of the remote, Amanda tossing it on the couch haphazardly as she paced back and forth. She and Liv had agreed to meet at 7:30 at Liv’s apartment, and it was nearing 7:00. She would have to leave soon – and she was sweating with anxiety.

Footsteps echoed through the apartment as she paced, and paced, and paced back and forth, trying to form exactly how she would apologize to Olivia. _I shouldn’t have gone off on you like that. It’s not your fault that I’m incapable of accepting help from others. I’m so sorry. I love you._

That last sentence hit her like a truck, startling her to a dead stop. Wow. _I love you_.

Not that she would tell Liv that – at least not right away. Maybe if they started a relationship, then further down the line, she would let herself say it. But that isn’t going to happen. There’s no chance.

A glance at the clock told her that it was time to leave, so she grabbed her bag and trudged down the stairs and out of her building, down to the nearby subway.

A rap on the door alerted Olivia to Amanda’s prescence. She switched off the TV (which she only had on for background noise, really) and stood at the door for a moment, before turning the lock and twisting the knob. Blue eyes pierced hers, a sad smile spreading across both of their mouths.

“Hey,” Amanda said, barely above a whisper.

“Hey,” Olivia copied, “come on in.”

She stepped out of the way and closed the door after Amanda, and gestured for her to sit on the couch. They sat on opposite ends, legs tucked underneath themselves, facing each other. Olivia had set out two glasses of water on the coffee table, one for each of them. She knew they might need them.

They stared at each other in silence for a long time, until Olivia finally spoke. “I’m sorry that I was smothering you so much. I just couldn’t stand to see you hurt, and didn’t want you to hurt yourself any more.”

“No, Liv, it’s okay, I should’ve taken the doctor’s orders more seriously, and I should have trusted you more. You were right.”

Olivia nodded and stood up, walking over to the window. She had her arms wrapped around herself and she started to sob, causing Amanda to stand up and walk after her. She put a hand on her shoulder.

“Liv? What’s going on?”

“Amanda, I don’t think we should be friends anymore.”

Amanda took a step back. Hearing Olivia say those words felt like she was hit in the chest, all words that she had planned to say, gone from her head. Out of all of the scenarios she had predicted for tonight, that had not been one of them. She felt her own tears welling up, but refused to let them spill yet.

“Wh – what?” Amanda stuttered, her voice shaking. “Why not? Did I do something wrong?”

“No, no, Amanda, it’s me,” said Liv, wiping her face with her hands, not turning around, “I’m not strong enough for this.”

“What are you talking about?” Amanda demanded, beginning to get angry.

Olivia didn’t answer, silent tears slipping down her face. Amanda was crying now, as well. “Hey! I deserve to know what’s going on! Liv, please talk to me!”

Again, there was no answer. Amanda’s voice became louder.

“So that’s it? I don’t even get a reason for having you ditch me? You’re my best friend, Olivia, the _one_ person in my life I feel like I can count on, and I honestly thought I was something similar for you, but if you can’t even tell me what’s wrong –“

“I have _feelings_ for you!” Olivia whipped around, hair flying around her head. The words had flown out of her mouth before they could stop them. It was unbearable for her to hear Amanda crying like that, and she just wanted it to stop. “I … I have feelings for you, Amanda Rollins. Romantic feelings, and I couldn’t just ruin our friendship like this, because there’s only been one other person who I had as strong of feelings for, and she just left before I could say anything, and I’m pretty damn sure you don’t feel the same way I do, so you should just leave and pretend like none of this ever happened.”

Amanda’s heart lept in her chest. This _is_ real. Olivia feels the same way that she did. It’s confirmed, they’re sober, they’re not being held at gunpoint. Olivia said that out of her own free will, and Amanda knew they were true.

“Liv …” she reached out and grabbed Olivia’s hand, and reached her other up to Liv’s face and wiped tears off of her cheeks as her own tears fell down her face. She smiled up at the older detective before leaning in.

Olivia could not believe what was happening. As Amanda leaned in, Olivia closed the gap, their lips touching gently against each other.

Olivia had kissed her past boyfriends before, even kissed Elliot a few times undercover, but nothing had ever felt like kissing Amanda had. She was softer, tasting of her strawberry chapstick. She had never been happier.

It was Amanda that pulled back first, after a few seconds. They stared into each other’s eyes for a moment before Olivia leaned down and captured Amanda’s lips again. This time, it was more passionate, open-mouthed. Amanda touched the tip of her tongue to Olivia’s lips, who eagerly allowed entry into her mouth. They kissed for a few moments more before they pulled away, resting their foreheads together. Neither could keep themselves from grinning. Amanda let out a light-hearted giggle.

“I feel like I’m back in high school,” she admitted, making both laugh. “I can’t tell you how long I’ve been wanting to do that.”

Amanda grabbed Olivia’s hand and guided her back to the couch, sitting down as Olivia laid across the couch with her head in Amanda’s lap. She wrapped her arms around the blonde’s waist, never wanting to let her go, as Amanda played with her hair.

“Why did you feel like we couldn’t be friends?” Amanda finally asked after a long period of silence.

It took Olivia a while to answer. “I can’t go on with just being friends with you. It hurts. I didn’t think I could keep my feelings in much longer.”

“I didn’t think I could, either,” Amanda admitted, causing Olivia to look up at her.

“How long have you had feelings for me?”

“Since the first day I walked in the squad room. The Italian diplomat case. The first day in the media room, you just … you were on a roll. You were focused, even though your partner had just left. You were so hot.”

Olivia threw her head back in laughter, staring up at Amanda.

“You amaze me, Liv. You have since day one. Every single thing about you is absolutely incredible. Your compassion for victims, and your ability to intimidate 6-and-a-half foot tall men who have 300 pounds on you. You’re just … mindblowing, Detective Benson.”

Olivia leaned up to Amanda and planted another kiss on her lips. “No one has ever talked about me like that before.”

“I’m sure they have,” Amanda said, her accent coming out even more, “You just didn’t know it.”

“You have this fire about you,” said Liv, taking over the reins, “this – this unextinguishable flame burning in you that I’ve never seen before in my life. It’s mind-boggling, and beautiful. You just … have this way about you. The way you carry yourself. I don’t know. I’ve admired it since day one.”

“Honestly, I thought you hated me in the beginning,” Amanda admitted.

“I _did_ hate you at first.”

“That was where you were supposed to say ‘No, Amanda, I could never hate you, I’ve had a crush on you since day one.’”

Olivia let out a hearty laugh. “That wouldn’t be the truth, though. When you first got here, I was mourning the loss of Elliot, and I thought you were arrogant. Not to say that I’ve been completely disproven on that.”

Amanda playfully slapped Olivia’s arm, and they shared a laugh before they leaned in to kiss each other again.

“But, you know this is complicated,” said Olivia. Amanda sighed deeply. “It’s going to be very complicated, whether or not we’re intereseted in persuing this any further.”

“I am absolutely interested.” Amanda said, without a hint of doubt in her voice. Olivia smiled up at her.

“This is the honeymoon period, Amanda. We know that. When we go back to work, things will have to change. We’ll have to disclose our relationship to Cragen. We probably won’t be allowed to be partnered up on cases. We might have to talk to IAB.”

“That’s all worth being with you, Olivia Benson. It’s all I’ve wanted since I got to New York. But for now, we have three more days off. Will you let me take you on a date in that period?”

Amanda searched Olivia’s eyes hopefully, knowing it might be a longshot if Olivia will be ready to take that step, but Olivia smiled brightly up at her. “Absolutely, Amanda Rollins. How’s tomorrow night?”

“Tomorrow night is perfect. I’ll take you out for a nice dinner, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Olivia nodded eargerly. “We can come back here and watch a movie.”

“Absolutely!”

The two lay in a comfortable silence with each other for a long time, Amanda tracing patterns on Olivia’s back with her fingertips, Olivia studying every inch of Amanda’s arm. When Olivia’s phone rang, both of them jumped.

“Benson,” she said, her voice sharp with a touch of anger for Amaro ruining the moment. “No, it’s alright. Yeah, she’s good. She’s doing alright, she’s a fighter.” She smiled at Amanda, who massaged her back. “No, she’s asleep right now, but I’ll tell her to call you tomorrow. Okay. Thanks, Nick,” she hung up the phone. “He’s just checking on you.”

“How sweet,” said Amanda bitterly.

Olivia sat up on the couch and pulled Amanda’s legs onto her lap, making the four limbs a tangled mess between them, as she reached for the remote on the coffee table and clicked on the TV. She switched on a random channel to _Modern Family_ , before tossing the remote to the side.

“What, you’re not even going to _ask_ me what I want to watch?” said Amanda, feigning offense.

“I don’t plan on watching anything,” Olivia leaned forward to Amanda and captured her lips, the blonde gladly reciprocating. They were full-on making out, laying on top of Amanda.

“God,” said Amanda as Olivia started to move down to her neck, “I really feel like I’m 15 again.”

Olivia laughed into Amanda’s jaw. “You make me young, Amanda Rollins.”

Amanda gasped as Olivia sucked gently on her neck, biting lightly before planting tiny kisses in a path up to Amanda’s mouth.

Eventually they settled onto each other, cuddling, with Olivia fitting perfectly into the shape of Amanda’s body, her head on Amanda’s chest. Amanda’s hand lay on the side of Olivia’s head, gently stroking her hair. It wasn’t long before Olivia had fallen asleep, breathing steadily against Amanda’s neck.

_Finally,_ Amanda thought to herself, _Finally._

Olivia woke up, clutching for the warmth underneath of her, only to find Amanda had somehow slipped out from under her without waking her. She sat up, looking around before her eyes landed on a note on the coffee table.

_Can’t wait for tonight, if you’re still up for it._

_Fancy dinner. 7:30 PM._

_You’re gonna love it._

  * _AJR_



Olivia smiled at the note, clutching it to her chest like a schoolgirl who found a love note in her locker. A glance at the clock on the cable box told her that it was 10:30 AM already, and she wanted to swing by the office today to get some paperwork done. She needed to get moving.

Pushing herself off of the couch, Olivia grabbed a travel mug out of the cabinet and put it under the coffee maker, popping a pod into it and hitting the button as she went to the bathroom. She grabbed milk out of the fridge and poured it in the mug, taking a sip of the hot liquid as she walked into the bedroom to get dressed.

She took the subway to the precinct, and walked in, greeted by smiles.

“Hey, Liv!” Nick cheered, and Olivia beamed back at him. 

“Hey, Nick! How’s it going?”

He startled back a bit, but stayed with the conversation. “Doing alright. You? How’s Amanda?”

Olivia wasn’t aware at the smile on her face. “Doing well. Amanda’s good, too, she’s nearly ready to come back to work.”

“That’s great,” said Nick, eyeing Olivia wearily as she opened the folders on her desk. She was humming.

Fin stood next to Nick, the two watching Olivia. “Who the hell is that?”

“I don’t know,” Nick admitted, “but I like her. I hope she sticks around.”

“She seems happy.”

Amanda danced around her apartment in her robe, the speakers blaring a Katy Perry song. She had just done her physical therapy exercises for her shoulder, and noted that it didn’t hurt as much as the day before. Nothing could stop her today.

She stopped at the microwave and opened the tube of lipstick in her hand, applying it in the reflection of the metal. She fixed a few strands of hair before walking into the bedroom to put her dress on.

The red dress fit every curve of her body perfectly, stopping just above the knees. She slipped on a pair of red heels to go with it, hoping that Liv didn’t wear heels so that she could be taller for once. Or that she _did_ wear heels and show off those legs.

Either would be just fine with Amanda.

She made one last pit stop at the mirror in the hallway to adjust a few things before grabbing her clutch and walking out of the door, stopping for a smoke just outside her building to calm her nerves. The night was busy on Fridays, people buzzing past her as she exhaled smoke into the brisk, October air, the cold seeping down to her bones. Amanda briefly considered running back up to her apartment to grab a jacket, but decided against it. She stomped the cigarette under her shoe before hailing a cab.

Every minute in the cab, Amanda became more and more anxious. She desparately wanted this go well – she wanted to impress Olivia. Would they sit there in awkward silence? Would Olivia not want to go back on a second date?

Amanda’s thoughts were cut short as the cab stopped in front of Olivia’s apartment, she paid the driver, and got out.

She stood, taking in the sight of the building and trying to work up the nerve to enter. People rushed past her, just as they had outside of her own apartment. Two women, clearly intoxicated, turned to stare at her as they walked by.

“Got a hot date tonight, girl?” one of them hollered at her, her head snapping in their direction.

“Get it, girl, whoever it is, is real lucky! You’re hot!” the other one shouted, her friend pulling her away as they laughed lightly and walked off, leaving Amanda with a smile on her face. That was it – that was what she needed to get the confidence to walk up.

She buzzed Liv’s apartment to let her up, the door loudly unlocking, and she ascended the stairs. When she reached Liv’s door, she took a deep breath before raising her hand and knocking firmly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have family in town this weekend, wish me luck


End file.
